Tuesday, September 1, 2009
Today has been a special day for my family for as long as I can remember.... Just before I turned one year old my parents had a little boy. Timothy was born about as early as Abigail and lived five hours. Our family grew up knowing that if we lived righteously we would be with Timothy again.
Sometimes I used to wonder what it must have been like for my parents to go through that. I came a little too close with Abigail. I remember worrying about my mom as I was in labor. What must she be thinking as her daughter was in labor - thinking about what she had been through 27 years before. They were relieved and grateful for how good Abigail's color looked at birth -- as they remembered their little boy.
I also get reflective because tomorrow (September 2nd) was the due date (a year ago) of the baby I miscarried. Parts of me hoped that it would be a boy and share a name sake with his father and his uncle Timothy (as a middle name). As the school year got started last year and I had the usual tough times that come with teaching, I would wish I was already done teaching and home with the baby I was originally going to have in September.
Between the miscarriage and Abigail's early arrival I have played the "What If" game too many times.... What if I had never lost the first pregnancy? What if I had been able to keep Abigail inside me for a few more weeks? -- would our NICU stay had been that much shorter? What if Abigail had had many health issues? What if Abigail had not made it?.... Then I am reminded by the Spirit that everything has gone the way it was supposed to. Abigail's story would be different if she was not a "25 weeker". I would not have been tested and strengthened the way I was supposed to without things going the way they were supposed to. We all have our own story to live and write.
My heart aches more than it used to when I hear of mothers and fathers losing their babies. It makes me hold Abigail even closer. I am so grateful for my experiences with Abigail -- though thinking of her birth and NICU stay still gets me very emotional -- some of it is pain and some of it is just very tender, precious feelings.... I can't seem to find words for my feelings, but how I love that little girl. I look at her and my heart is so full as I think of that little baby I used to do Kangaroo Care with in the NICU. It's Amazing!!