Honesty

• I want to be pregnant for nine months - not 12 weeks or 25 weeks. (Using math and patterns - third pregnancy should make it)
  
• I want to go to the hospital pregnant and leave with a healthy baby in my arms.
• I want to hold my baby without worrying about cords. I want to be able to walk anywhere in my house holding my baby without so much effort.
• I want to go out in public and show my cute baby off. I want to go to the grocery store, the mall, or visit people.... I want to go hang out with the other mommies and their kids in my neighborhood.
  
• I want to quit making so many phone calls to keep up on insurance issues and other things I keep needing to take care of.
• I want to nurse my baby. I want her to be physically able to, and I want my body to produce enough milk for her.

HOWEVER

• I love that I got to meet my baby early - instead of waiting nine months.
• Things could have been and could be so much more difficult than they are. We are very blessed to have Abigail doing so well.
• I feel blessed to live so close to a hospital that could adequately care for Abigail.
• I am so grateful for miracles.
• I am so grateful that many miracles are accomplished through us as humans. Modern medicine and technology is full of miracles.
• I am grateful to so many doctors, nurses, and other hospital staff who did a wonderful job caring for Abigail.
• I am grateful for the Gospel and for my testimony.
• This has been a great trial at times, and I would not trade it for anything -- but I hope to never do it again, either.... I have experienced things I could not have experienced otherwise. I have gained a greater appreciation for life. My testimony has been strengthened in so many ways. I have experienced many tender mercies from the Lord (love that talk by Elder Bednar).
• I am grateful for the gifts of the spirit. I was blessed with feelings of peace as my life was turning upside down. I guess you could call it my peace bubble.
  
• I have been entrusted with a precious little girl. She could have easily been taken from this life after arriving so early (and still could - but every life is fragile), but the Lord allowed her to stay with us in this life.
  
• I have an amazing husband, and I love him more because of all of this.
• I am surrounded by so many wonderful people. John and I have definitely not been through this alone.
• I am so grateful for Abigail. I just pray I can be the mother that she needs to help her fulfill whatever mission she was sent here to do.

I could keep going.... It is amazing the diversity of emotions. It is amazing how I can get discouraged about some things, but then can be lifted up when I think about all that I have to be grateful for.